Colonizing Mars: The Hottest New Reality Show

In a NYTimes OpEd (The Citizen Astronaut), Greg Klerkx makes weak argument about how to go into space exploration, to make human space-flight popular: give money to companies trying to bring the cost per pound factor down. BORING.

What America really wants is what it had in the moon landing: a high-stakes reality show. In 1969, it was the US against the Russsians. The Russians were pushing into Vietnam, and soon the Red Menace would conquer the moon leaving us out of it, if we did not get there first, and plant a flag on it. Whew. Good thing that flag is there.

But now, Mars. Why Mars? Here's the answer that America is waiting for: Mars, so that we can colonize it. What does this mean? Our primary mission should be to send a couple to Mars, where the woman is impregnated, gives birth, and they raise the children together. Decades down the line, we send a mission to Mars to bring the first true non-Earthling back -- a visit to Earth by a real live Martian!

The most economic way to do this: polygamy. Send up one guy, and three women (say, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton and -- to grab that edgy demographic -- Ellen Degeneres). For the guy, I cast George Clooney -- NASA should be able to afford his $20M fee. Best of all, this is the reality show America wants to see.

Thrill! As the happy foursome launch from Cape Canaveral in their love capsule. Chill! As the arguments between Degeneres and Hilton escalate over who gets to sleep in the lead cosmic-ray casing. Worry! In episode 20 when the women rebel and stop talking to George. Laugh! As Simpson realizes that the rebellion was just a ploy by Ellen to get into her pants! On-the-edge-of-your-seat anticipation: who will get pregnant on Mars first? Ellen? Jessica? George? *SEE* the birth on live Television with stereoscopic 1M pixel resolution! Watch as the child grows up, has the usual childhood problems (potty training in low-gravity; lost teeth; radiation sickness; awkward puberty; straining to figure out how they can get into Harvard). And, finally, the awesome episode to end all episodes -- the Martian's voyage back to earth! As he emerges from the pod -- should we shoot him? He's a Martian! Should we embrace him? He's one of us! We've got episodes and spinoffs as far as the eye can see.

Now that's great Televison.