He's Just Not Into You

WaPost. One of the writers of SEX IN THE CITY, along with a consultant for the show, is writing a book explaining the awful truth to women: if he doesn't call, he's just not into you.

Apparently, women -- as men, it should be said -- craft explanatory narratives, to justify why the phone remains silent after that great date, the promising first meeting. The hard reality is that the chemistry didn't happen, and he was not intoxicated.

Why this should be difficult to accept, in a culture which places high value on romantic love -- that is to say, love not based on rationalism -- is beyond me. Women want men to swoon over them because they add up, they're the total package, they're all a man could ever want. But if people fall in love for romantic reasons, then having the total package isn't a benefit -- it's irrelevant.

Recently, after drinks out on a third date (her invitation), a woman asked me up for tea. After our cups had cooled, I tossed out the question: "So, I had mentioned my making dinner on Saturday -- can you come over for dinner?" Silent smile. Protracted silence.

Ah. Well, maybe she has some issue of being alone with a guy in his apartment..... "Or, I can take you out to dinner?". Silent smile. Protracted silence. She replies: "I'll have to think about it."

When I've told this story to female friends of mine -- they always come up with justifying excuses: Maybe she just wasn't sure, she needs time to make up her mind, she had a bad experience. Maybe whatever. Make allowance for their baggage.

Folks, we had just had tea, and she was debating dinner. Really -- it wasn't that she was working out her weekly menu, or checking a calendar -- she just was so not into me.

The point of dating, is to make up your mind by having dinner together, and figuring out if you're sure. Not staying at home and musing over the finer points. The deal was: she was just not into me, kind, but timid.

My point, and I do have one: it's a turn off to be a turn-off and a turn-on to be a turn-on. If you're not getting the response you expect, it's because it's you. Move on.

For this we need a book?