Top Ten PATRIOT Provisions for White House Leak

For the sake of the crack investigative team the FBI has no doubt assigned to ferret out the nefarious White House staffers who leaked Valerie Plame's covert CIA status to the press, top ten PATRIOT Act provisions to apply to this case:

10. Calling information

The agents can get the phone records of any suspect (Karl Rove) without showing probable cause; they need only "certify" to a judge that the information will be "relevant" to their investigation. This ability applies nationwide.

9. Web Addresses

The agents can similarly get the records of all web sites visited by the suspect.

8. Email headers

The agents can similarly obtain the header information (including destination addresses and subject lines) of all emails sent by the subject.

7. National wiretap

The agents can seek a "blanket wiretap" order that will follow the suspect wherever he goes, and can tap any number that he is judged likely to use. The agents will probably want to consider a blanket wiretap of the whole White House, just to be safe.

6. Library records

Agents can get the suspect's (White House) library check-out records, and the library is prohibited from telling the subject that these records have been provided to the government.

5. Doctor's records

The agents can get the suspect's records from his doctor; again, the doctor's office is prohibited from telling the subject that this has happened.

4. Commercial transactions

Similar provisions apply for almost any commercial transaction that the subject might have engaged in - bookstore or mall purchases, restaurant dinners, cab fares, escort services...

3. CIA Assistance

The agents could request assistance from the CIA, which is no longer prohibited from spying on Americans. This might prove particularly useful in the present case. Maybe the CIA could assign Secret Agent Valerie Plame!

2. Secret searches

Investigators can execute a "secret search" of a household (White House) without informing the owner (Dubyah).

1. Enemy Combatant

This is not strictly a provision of the act, but certainly qualifies as a useful post-9/11 tool of law enforcement. According to Justice, if they declare in a memorandum to a judge that the suspect US citizen (Karl Rove) is an enemy combatant, he may be transported to a military prison (Gitmo) and held for an arbitrary length of time, without recourse to the usual habeas corpus provisions of the US Constitution. I'm sure that would take care of a lot of these pesky White House leaks.