Particularly relevant to tonight's address, he's running at 40% approval and 58% disapproval for his handling of the war in Iraq. So given the stakes, I figure the President will want to take the edge off the occasion with some light-hearted humor, and I suggest we 13D denizens do our part to help him out. Here are my suggestions:
- Well, the price of oil hit $60 a barrel yesterday. See? It's true! I really didn't invade Iraq for the oil.
- You may be concerned, as I have been, about the situation in Iraq. Some say that, with the progress we've made, the Iraqi insurgency is in its final days. Others say that, given its current strength, it could go on for a dozen years or more. And that's just two of the opinions I get from my Cabinet!
- The goal of a peaceful and democratic Iraq is too important for us not to stay the course there, maintaining - and increasing - our military superiority on the ground. Therefore, I will be asking Congress this week to institute a draft of all able-bodied young citizens, so that we may achieve this goal in a manner that is fair to all, with no class distinctions to sully the honor of those armed men and women who make the final sacrifice for their country. Just kidding!
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Bob lends a hand, less with the jokes, and more with the thematic elements Bush might hit:
* I want every young American to know that Iraq's future is vital to every America's future; they should follow in the fore-father's footsteps, and serve. I explained this to Jenna and Barb, who helped me get re-elected. They have agreed to follow in their father's footsteps, by not showing up to the Alabama Air National Guard. Jenna -- political aspirations, that one -- tossed in a coke binge, drunk driving, and whoring around, to boot.
* If you support me, I will change my pronunciation to "NU-KLEE-AR".
* Holy shit, now that Saddaam Hussein's out of power, I could not care less about Iraq. We're pulling out. Happy Birthday Daddy!
* My former opponent John Kerry wrote an article today in the New York Times about how I don't have the support of the people for the Iraq War. He continues to forget Poland.
* America, I've heard your voice: you're concerned about our direction in Iraq. Well, I am the President. I own Bill Frist's little pink asshole. Rehnquist's not long for this world, retirement or no, and when he goes, the fillibuster compromise will go, and I'm putting John Bolton's cranky little sister on the court. I'll own all three branches of Government. So you can suck it, bigshots.
* No President has ever been impeached for lying America into war. Let's not start now.
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