Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish

The Onion offers relief for the day: "WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for 'a hundred billion bucks' Monday. 'Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!' the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the 'bucks' had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, 'Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context.'"